boys
When I was younger, before boys and boy problems came into the picture, I never really worried about much. My life had everything I could want, except of course for the occasional things I whined at my parents to buy but they didn't want to. Well, things changed when I went to JC. I met boys, had crushes, and lost my rose-tinted glasses..
The boys were great, realised I was could be on good terms with them because they were so much more straightforward and less cunning than girls (however much of an insult to myself that sounds), the crushes were fine, they were just for fun..
Then one day I found someone, and I thought I was the happiest person in the world.. But the honeymoon was over in less than 2 months, things went from bad to worse.. Even though I knew how bad it was, I could see that we were fighting all the time, I refused to let go, because I believed in the love we had. Or is it the love that we supposedly had? I guess I did love him after all, but our relationship just didn't show that. So this year it ended. Finally. After hestitating for so many months it's finally over.
At first I didn't want it to be true. I was willing to compromise everything I had, was willing to compromise myself and my principles for him, to meet his double standards. At that time, I was so blinded by my emotions that I was willing to give up everything. When he decided to give it up, I cried and tried to plead with him to stay. He didn't want to. At that time I was so sad.
Now, I think it's lucky he didn't give in. Recently he said he missed me and loved me. Isn't it too late? Did he think that I would jump for joy and run back to him? Did he think that I couldn't move on and live my life without him? Actually I couldn't get over it for so long. Too long. Then, orientation camp came, and it made me forget about my troubles, about how sad and lonely I was. I had new friends, new things to do..
Since then, I've rushed forward into life and I don't take more than a cursory glance over my shoulder. Some people manage to go back to their exs. I think I never will be able to. The opposite of love is hate. I don't hate him. So does that mean I never really loved him? I don't hate him, I simply dismiss what has happened.
Life now is tiring, difficult, and the long journey is sometimes lonely.. Then I realise there are some people out there just like me, people who try to make their own lives happy.. And so I'm going to smile.. for myself, for you, and for the people around me.. Their days don't deserve to be ruined because of my frown..
[added: I hate guys who pretend to be mature and act as if they're already men, when they are only boys, who are still childish and spiteful and emotionally manipulative.. Before I said that I didn't hate him? I realised I do.. I hate the way he tries to play with my feelings, the way he pretends, the way he blames me and not himself, the way he complains to MY friends about OUR problems behind my back, all the bullshit emotional blackmail that he put me through.. I'm finally free of it. All I can do is hope he grows up, leaves me alone, and gives the next girl less of a hard time. 1:32 AM]
